I’ve got a quick piece of advice. Don’t ever google “how to wear eyeliner” unless you want to be super horrified. I’ve tried to wear eyeliner a handful of times in my life and I’ve always ended up looking like a Halloween prostitute. (Probably not that bad, but there was always pretty clearly a problem in the execution.)

The idea to try it again after a good many years recently made its way into my head aboard a slow train a comin’. That slow train would be my late twenties… last stop, vanity. I’m sure the best combatants for no longer feeling like a pretty young thing involve exercise and healthy eating, but we all know I’m a lazy bitch, so I was like, I know, I’ll just finally learn how to apply eyeliner. Problem solved.

Now that I’m older, though, and sooo responsible, I decided I would YouTube that baloney before laying down $8 at the drugstore. And here’s where the horror comes in. Did you know that there is something on your eye called the waterline? It’s the part of your eye on the inside of your eyelashes… the part that touches your legitimate eyeball. And people routinely color it black with wax pencils they buy at HEB. It’s really sick.

But beyond the horror, I’m honestly just not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, I’m kind of relieved that the reason I always looked like a fraggle rock hooker was because I trusted my instinct that the place I was putting eyeliner was the only reasonable place to put it and not because my face just rejects girl stuff. On the other hand, now I want to put eyeliner inside my eye just to see what it looks like. Curiosity and vanity do not good companions make.