You might remember that I sometimes get very overwhelmed by regret as a result of having not seized any parts of the day. So to make up for a recent surplus of that feeling, I went hiking.

I started planning it essentially the moment I posted about those feelings. So  most days last week I said to PJ something along the lines of,  “aren’t you so excited to go on our very own big hiking adventure this weekend?”

He would say something kind of like, “outdoor things are nice.” Not actually indicating  he thought I was having any sort of good idea. Which I obviously don’t blame him for. He knows better than anyone that the best laid plans of mice and me… usually go extraordinarily awry. I stayed pretty positive throughout the week, though. I bought a really worthless artist’s rendering “map” of the greenbelt at the corner store. Then when I ran into some friends outside of the store, I showed them the map and told them my plan. I told coworkers of my plan, too. All this ‘telling’ is my personal brand of insurance. I would obviously feel like a complete slug if I told all of these people and then I didn’t actually go on my hike. Yes I know there is a ‘live for yourself, not for others’ platitude I should be employing here… but they’re called platitudes for a reason.

Okay, onto the hike. Obviously, I did it. My original plan was to hike from the Scottish Woods entrance to Zilker Park. This plan changed the night before when my sister said she was going to be hanging out near the Scottish Woods entrance around noon. So, I decided I would just reverse my hike and go from Zilker to Scottish Woods instead. That way we could meet up with her and just hang around in the water for awhile at the end of our hike. I then further modified my original hike plan and decided to start at Campbell’s Hole instead of Zilker so I could get to the cool embrace of beer and water that much sooner.

This plan actually went incredibly well up until the last half hour of the hike. We were out of the house by 8 am. Stopped at HEB to pick up some sunscreen and sandwiches. I was already well stocked with water and energy bars. Parked my car at Scottish Woods (cooler filled with sandwiches and beer for later in the day) and then drove PJ’s car over to Campbell’s Hole and were on the trail at a little before 9 am.

Here’s about how it went (use this map if you are unfamiliar with the Barton Creek Greenbelt. It won’t save you in the wilderness, but it is helpful from an Internet perspective):

9:00-9:30 am– Clouds haven’t yet burned off, lots of healthy people running and biking, they hardly seem to register the suspicious contrast between my walking stick and pale skin. I’m so happy.

Oh gosh, hiking is so pleasant.

9:30-10:00 am – Weather is still pretty nice, creek starts to have some water in it, see Greenbelt Guardians removing nonnative invasives (thanks guys!), stop to watch some people taking rock climbing lessons at the seismic wall. I’m still really happy.

10:00-10:30 am – Reach loop 360. Realize we’ve been on the wrong side of the creek for a while now. Looks like we need to cross the creek. Get my first wet tennis shoe of the day. Gosh, the back of my right leg is starting to hurt. Only a little, though.

10:30-11:00 am – Hiking hiking hiking. Happy happy happy.

11:00-11:30 am – Miss a turn somewhere. End up way out in the Gaines Greenbelt. Phone GPS makes it look suspiciously like we’ve hiked practically back to Sunset Valley where we live. PJ starts to walk really fast, there is an aggressiveness in his gait. I start to suspect he blames me for navigation failures even though he says ‘nope he does not.’ End up in backyard of giant house with Jurassic Park style fence. More fast walking.

You can’t see that he has mild hate in his heart right here.

11:30-12:00 pm – Finally get back on track and reach Twin Falls. Help a stranger catch her rambunctious boxer puppy. I try to find a good spot to put my feet in the water and to rest for a few minutes. My feet are literally on fire. My feet might be dead and in hell. I’m not sure.

We’re about halfway between both cars right now. There’s no turning back and no hope in sight. But this water feels like sweet Jesus breath for the faithful on my feet. I can carry on.

12:00-12:30 pm – Hike on and stop only long enough to take a picture at Sculpture Falls. Eat an energy bar. Pass a man explaining to his very pregnant wife that it’s because of physics that her hands feel funny because she’s been walking and swinging them and so blood has naturally gone there.  I am reminded of when I was 6 years old and I was spinning in circles with my arms flung out at the gas station my PawPaw was working at. I convinced myself that the weird feeling in my fingernails was a result of the glitter nail polish my mom had painted on my fingernails. I start to wonder if my 6-year-old self and my now self are merging? Am I on a spirit quest? No, I’m just exhausted and low on oxygen, but very certainly not willing to admit that.

I’m holding on to that walking stick with both hands because my legs are just shells of their former selves. They have no idea what waits a half mile from here.

12:30-1:00 pm – We are really close to the end of the hike now. I am so excited to get to our car. We will get our sandwiches and our beers and we will relax so hard. Alas, it was not to be. It turns out we parked the car at the top of something called the Hill of Life. I think you can guess that I consider this a misnomer. A half mile hike with an elevation change of 300 feet. All I could think was dear sweet death, please come take me. And then take my boyfriend, who didn’t even break a sweat, and kill him with fire.

1:00-1:15 pm – Sit in Wanda the Honda with the air conditioner on full blast and try to rationalize why being alive is even a good thing at all.