Vignette of a Saturday night at home alone.

1. Refill the ice trays in the freezer.
2. Notice glow sticks that have been in there for 2+ years because one time you read that you could reuse them if you put them in the freezer. 
3. Use the ice you originally went in there for to make a nice, frosty adult beverage.
4. Sit down in the recliner.
5. Surf the internet while absent-mindedly crunching the glow sticks in the hand.
6. Toss the glow sticks aside after realizing they’re clearly not going to have any radiant rebirth.
7. Write off alien residue on the hand as condensation from delicious adult beverage.
8. Stick finger in the mouth for unknown reasons a little while later.
9. Experience burning sensation on the tongue.
10. Deduce ancient glow stick fluid is now in the mouth.
11. Consider all options that don’t involve standing up.
12. Stand up, head to kitchen, rinse out the mouth.
13. Ponder how you made it to the age of 28 without constant adult supervision.

Things that make me irrationally angry:

• Accidentally using my blinker when it’s just a sharp turn and not an actual intersection.
• Jack Johnson (too fucking pleasant).
• When someone gets in the bathroom stall right next to me when they clearly had other options.
• Slow walkers.
• The guy in the cafeteria who one time gave me a wheat bun even though I said white and he knows I like white.

Just because I’m a degenerate who occasionally drinks boxed wine doesn’t mean I need instructions printed directly on the box telling me how to open it. It’s a pretty straightforward process. I notice there are not instructions on bottled wine.

Is this some sort of class warfare? Are we setting our boxed wine drinkers up to progressively become less intelligent? If you keep printing the instructions, maybe they’ll (we’ll) become dependent on them? Maybe it’s a chicken/egg scenario.

I’ve been thinking a lot about habits lately, but life and change is hard and so on and so on.

Just sitting here googling the symptoms of being allergic to dairy while eating a bowl of creamy broccoli and cheddar soup. I clearly already know the answer. Dealing with this in the appropriate manner would drastically alter my life. Cheese, how could you do this to me?

There is nothing less zen than when the yoga instructor says, “if your mind has started to wander, bring it back,” and you realize, “why yes, my mind has started to wander… right the hell over to the Taco Bueno across the parking lot. And a little bit to work, but mostly to Taco Bueno.”

I guess this is going to turn into a fast food blog instead of a blog to document the little day-to-day stories of my life.

Anyway, after getting shamed out of going to the Bueno by my sister after class, I went home and ate three cheese sandwiches. I’m still probably in the best shape I’ve been in in 10 years, though. So I’ll forgive myself for the sandwiches and try to do better tomorrow.

Do you ever find yourself forming small attachments to the weirdest things? There’s been a taco bell napkin in my bed for the last three days. My psyche, your psyche, I think we can all agree there is no normal. 

I just gave my new coworker a ride home. Because I have verbal diarrhea lately, I told her a story about how my dog took a spite shit* in my living room the other day. After I dropped her off, I noticed there was a paper towel laying on my console with a solitary chocolate chip left over from my breakfast stuck to it. It looked like a small piece of dog shit and now I really need to know if she noticed it.

*A shit, taken indoors, out of spite. In this case because I accidentally locked him out of the bedroom overnight while the rest of the family slept soundly.

Today during the first yoga class I’ve taken in several years, the teacher kept saying “great modifications, guys.” Which was clearly her way of saying, “you girl, in the green shirt, you are doing this pose so horrifyingly wrong that I have to say something, but I don’t want to make you feel bad.”

I also sweated profusely. Oh yoga.

Can you even believe all the people confusing human rights with the right to free speech re: the chick-fil-a debate? Lol, wut? Are you even serious?

Things I’ve managed to accomplish in the last week:

• Eat pizza for 75 percent of my meals.
• See a really great Tenacious D show.
• Play a large role in emailing approximately 6,000 coworkers an animated gif with a subliminal watermark noting “gaysexistheanswer.”
• Grow another unintentional dreadlock.
• Spend an entire weekend lolling about in a kiddie pool in my backyard drinking a Slavic amount of vodka instead of being a normal, functional adult.
• Upload all my vacation pictures.

That’s it.